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The EU fox and Turkish tortoise Agreement By Owei Lakemfa

The European Union (EU) fox decided that unwanted guests from its watering holes in the Middle East were swarming on it. The deer, donkeys, camels and sheep were fleeing from the hunting fires the fox had lit. The fears of the fox include the possibility of  the refugees changing its demography forever, polluting its beliefs and introducing their camel-eating culture.  Worse still, it fears that some of the hyenas it had cultured to keep the Middle East population  in check, might be concealed in the fleeing pack. Just the other day, some hyenas went lose in Paris, the beautiful city of love.

The fox problem is that it had said it welcomed all, especially the endangered and the persecuted, so it does not want to be seen violating its acclaimed love and defence of animal rights. It does not want its finger prints in the forceful prevention or caging of those fleeing war, hunger, death and devastation.

This is where the  Turkish tortoise comes in. The tortoise has a history of getting the job done even if it involves genocide like its  1915-17 attempt to wipe the Armenian species off the earth’s surface. The tortoise has been trying the same method on the Kurdish varieties in its region. It also does not tolerate animal talks like freedom of movement, free speech, moderate beliefs or animal rights. Ordinarily, these are rights that the fox says it holds dear; that all animals are created  equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But when it comes to its faithful allies like the tortoise, the fox does not see these violations; in such cases, it is as blind as a mole.

So when the fox and tortoise met on  Sunday  November 29, 2015 in Brussels, it was a divine meeting; the former  looking for an enforcer to hire, and the latter, ready to do the job provided the price is right.

Rather than  reinvent the wheel, the partners  adopted the model of the Australian crocodile and the Papau New Guinea lizard. The crocodile which had swarm through the British Thames to seize a whole continent, did not want other new comers. At first, it was very hard dealing with the refugees, but when criticism became too  much, it adopted a new, cheaper and effective system.  It turned to the poor lizard, offered it a mouthwatering $450 million to take care of the toxic human waste threatening its shores.

The croc and the lizard on July 19, 2013,  signed a Regional Resettlement Arrangement (RRA) under which the croc would round up and divert the asylum seekers  to the lizard Manus Island  where they will be accorded “dignity and respect” in accordance with international animal rights provisions. With that, 937 new shelter seekers were mercifully taken of the seas and off loaded in the Lombrum Naval Base on the island. Most  have been in the concentration camp for two years with no option to leave. Also, the refugees cannot  be caught outside their pen after dark. The penalty is serious beating. Prisoners are  better treated; at lest they have visiting rights, access to lawyers, immunity  from beatings and a definite confinement period. One of the inmates,  Bentham Satah, a Kurd from Iraq protested “We are human not animals” I pity him, because animals have more rights. For instance, cows are free to roam while the average dog in Europe has a home and is well fed; sometimes better fed than the worker.

In adopting the Croc-Lizard format, the fox and tortoise at first thought of titling their agreement, the Cow All Treaty (CAT) But two issues arose; first, they did not want to give the cow  unnecessary publicity or make it feel  important. Secondly, with the fox being a trickster and the tortoise, cunning, they did not want an additional mix of another sly animal, the cat. So they settled for the title Fox – Tortoise Joint Action Plan (JAP) Like the lie in the  Croc-Lizard agreement, the JAP  pronounced “Animal  dignity is at the core of our common endeavor” and that what they are engaged in is “a spirit of burden sharing”

The tortoise is to  “ensure that migrants are registered and provided with appropriate documents on a compulsory basis” while the fox  will swiftly return  “migrants who are not in need of international protection to their countries of origin.”

The fox agreed to pay tortoise $3.19 Billion. What the sly partners could not agree on is whether this money will be  annual, biennial or one lump sum. Not to break up the agreement on such final details, they agreed tentatively that the amount will be “initial”

The tortoise then made a demand; if it succeeds in warehousing  would-be immigrants especially from Syria and Iraq, and  deals with them so severely that they would  prefer death in the ISIS hyena kingdom than venturing to cross to fox territory, then the tortoise family should have  unfettered access to the twenty eight  fox kingdoms. The fox agreed in principle. Then the former pointed out that it is going to be quite brutal , and would receive severe condemnation for its fascist methods; should the latter not compensate it with the fox membership club it has applied for over the years? The fox promised to accelerate the membership process. These of course, are foxy promises, but who knows what  the tortoise carries in its bag of tricks?

The tortoise is ecstatic, the agreement it says is a historic new beginning  between it and its fox partner.  I am wondering if the fox is not smart enough to know that lots of suffering will be visited on the hapless by the tortoise and that it would not escape condemnation for  criminal conspiracy and crimes against animals. Meanwhile the well fed hyenas are widening their territory in Libya with the reality that more of the hapless  will be forced to migrate to fox kingdoms.  I think it would be  wiser and cheaper to tackle the root causes  than  offer hefty bribes like the one to the tortoise.


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